Where does my preoccupation with how young I look turn into ageism?
By Daniella Mini
Our friends Ana and Pedro came over one night to toast their purchase of a new home. They were really excited about the renovations they were planning, the shrubs they’d plant, the generator they’d install, and so on.
“Well, the little old lady next door -I forgot her name- has a generator, and she said she wouldn’t mind if the contractors park on that space along her driveway,” said Ana. “Yeah, the little old lady’s so excited we’re moving in,” she went on.
“Hold on a minute Ana,” Pedro interrupted. “That little old lady’s the same age you are.”
“But I don’t look her age!” Ana shot back.
Well, I’ve never met the little old lady and can’t really say for sure. What I can say is Ana, who’s 60, looks, dresses, and acts youthful. I must also clarify we were speaking Spanish and “la viejita” doesn’t sound nearly as disrespectful and ageist as “the little old lady” does to me, a non-native speaker of English.
The point is how disconcerting it is when you don’t physically relate to your same-aged peers once you get to a certain age. And when I say “don’t relate” I mean we’re convinced we don’t look as old.
Sure, as a teenager, I recall being in disbelief that this or that person was my age. They looked so much older! But that was because older meant more sophisticated and womanly, not old, old.
The unsettling feeling is very different when you’re 60, like Ana, or 52, like myself. And, sadly, it has a lot to do with how engrained ageism is.
“Ageism refers to the stereotypes (how we think), prejudice (how we feel) and discrimination (how we act) towards others or oneself based on age.”
The only aspect of our beings others see, literally, is our physical appearance, and how we look depends on our physical bodies and what we choose to cover and alter them with. Our looks affect our sense of self, which we also shape through our choices in hairstyle, clothes, make-up.
But where does our preoccupation with our looks turn into ageism?
If ageism encompasses how we act toward others and ourselves based on age, where do we draw the line between a healthy sense of self and ageism? Is it when we begin to color our hair? When we get Botox? When we have plastic surgery?
I’ve said things like Ana. In fact, I said one that very night. My husband, Cesar, was talking about a movie actor whose autistic son is served by the same agency as Diego, our autistic adult son.
Our friends didn’t recognize the actor’s name and I described him as being much older than us. Pedro eventually googled the guy to see his picture, only to discover he’s only 52.
“But I don’t look his age,” said I. “No way, I’m way younger! Maybe he’s sick or something.”
“Come to think of it,” Pedro said, “I heard he hasn’t been in any movies lately due to some health condition or other.”
Again, whether or not he’s unwell or whatever is not the point. It’s the experience of aging outwardly that, among other things, shakes up our sense of who we are, especially for women.
Due to ageism, looking old does make a lot of us feel diminished. I don’t like the wrinkles and sunspots on my face, and positively hate the folds beginning to form between my chin and neck, even though none of these physical changes affect how my body feels. I am, luckily, super healthy and have as much energy as I did two decades ago.
There’s no way around it, the reason I so dislike my body’s visible signs of aging is, largely, that I’m ageist.
Potential future parents must know what they’re getting into
By Daniella Mini
I’m a preschool teacher and mother to two sons, ages 26 and 24. I’ve experienced and seen changes in parenting up close in the communities I inhabit.
For the sake of context, I shall describe such communities as (a) middle-class to ultra-rich Northeast United States, and (b) middle- to upper-middle-class Hispanic immigrant families.
I’ve seen some positive trends for sure. But I’m here to highlight the alarming trends with no end in sight that are making and will continue to make parenting so much harder. If nothing’s done about them, they will eclipse and cancel out the positive.
I’m talking about social media/screens and environmental degradation/ climate change. Here’s what to look out for and a few things we must all do to help, whether or not we’re parents.
Screens and social media: How they get in the way of parenting and will continue to make the job harder.
Nothing replaces the human connection. Nothing replaces the role of play in childhood. Good parenting requires that we provide both, and doing so is getting harder.
I’m 51. I got my first cell phone at 26 when all cell phones could do was make a call. My sons were in high school when social media and smartphones began to become a part of life.
I didn’t have to compete with the addictive power of various screens to get my children to build with real blocks or play outside with the good old sphere you can bounce, hit, throw or roll and that lends itself to so many games and sports with other humans.
An even more sinister effect of screens on parenting is how they suck us parents in. We give our kids access to them at the restaurant, in the car, in the doctor’s waiting room, at home, even when they have a little friend over.
It’s just so freaking easy and incredibly tempting to let them be on a device hours and hours every day when we have so much to do and the device guarantees us peace and quiet.
It’s also the case that when we intend to spend quality time with our children, we just can’t seem to help clicking on that YouTube video, looking at our Facebook, posting that picture we just took to Instagram and responding to texts.
And it gets worse as children get older and social media enters their lives. Parenting a teenager has always been difficult partly because outside influences, both wonderful and terrible, begin to play a bigger role in our children’s lives at a time when they are also becoming more independent and hormonal changes are playing with their minds and bodies.
Current and future parents: Sorry, but you now have the huge responsibility of monitoring where your children are and who they’re with not only in the physical world but also in the vast, ever-expanding virtual one.
“Evidence from a variety of cross-sectional, longitudinal and empirical studies implicate smartphone and social media use in the increase in mental distress, self-injurious behaviour and suicidality among youth; there is a dose–response relationship, and the effects appear to be greatest among girls.” (Smartphones, social media use and youth mental health, February, 2020)
How society can help:
Support sensible regulation of social media. We can’t leave it to the tech giants to regulate themselves. It hasn’t worked. Regulation needs to cover, for example, access restrictions, some signaling of fact vs opinion, heavy fines for not removing content not protected as “free speech”, and preventing algorithms from nudging users toward ever more divisive and extreme content.
Schools must play an important role in teaching children to recognize and tackle the addictive power of social media, how to detect misinformation and propaganda, and how to be informed participants in the virtual world.
Climate change and environmental decline: How these trends will change parenting.
Wherever we live, the negative impact of environmental decline and climate change will just continue to grow. Family displacement will become more common; environmental degradation will lead to conflict as basic resources like water become scarce; and severe weather events that disrupt life will happen more frequently.
Parenting will be made harder both by the effects of climate change and by the changes families will need to make to adapt to and combat it. It’s already happening, so we must take action to limit the damage.
“Continued emission of greenhouse gases will cause further warming and long-lasting changes in all components of the climate system, including the likelihood of severe, pervasive and irreversible impact for people and ecosystems. Limiting climate change will require substantial and sustained reductions in greenhouse gas emissions which, together with adaptation, can limit climate change risks.”
Current and future parents: Because we are currently doing too little to combat climate change, you will have an even greater need to change your ways in order to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. You will need to do this as you figure out how to parent.
You will have the essential responsibility to teach your children that protecting the environment is just as important as making money so they can have a big house and buy lots of stuff.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t be teaching this to the children of today, just that the urgency increases every day.
When I was growing up, concern for the environment didn’t figure in the worries of parenting. The wilderness and seasons were taken for granted and the sustainability of our lifestyle was not put into question.
This is not the case anymore. With every passing day, our actions place the wellbeing of all living beings — including us humans — at greater risk.
How society can help:
We need to take action today, at the individual, local, national, and international levels. This is easy to say and write, but impossible to achieve if we don’t care, don’t know enough, and don’t change our mindset.
Parents of today and parents of the future: I don’t want to leave you with the impression that there are no promising changes underway. I’ve witnessed trends in parenting in my lifetime that I certainly consider positive.
When it comes to diverse family composition, things have changed for the better. For example, no teacher bats an eye anymore if a student’s family’s blended, inter-racial, or includes two moms.
I also see more equitable sharing of parental responsibilities; for instance, more fathers doing the picking up and dropping off, filling out of school forms, replying to teacher emails, and making sure their children get on their devices for remote learning.
I’ve also noticed a third positive change lately that’s directly related to the pandemic. More children are outdoors doing things that were just part of being a kid not so long ago. Yeah, I’m talking about good old activities like outdoor play, riding a bike, and going fishing.
Although this change can’t be called a trend given how recent it is, I sure hope it will become one and not end with the pandemic. The change involves no electronics and exposes children to the outdoors and the natural world a bit.
Parenting and the future are interdependent. Both will require a change of mindset in terms of our hopes and dreams for our children.
Parents have traditionally hoped that their children’s lives will be equal to or better than theirs, but this hope has exclusively focused on economic outcome.
We need a shift to a mindset where one of our greatest hopes is that our children inherit a planet as rich (or richer) in resources and human connections as the one we had.